Everyone has different limits and boundaries, and it’s important to respect that. Follow our 6 tips to make sure kinky sex is a safe, positive experience for everyone involved: I don’t ever see myself moving away from being in a sub domme relationship,’ he says. ‘I would just like it to be more accepted. I just think that just because I’m a male, that shouldn’t just mean I’m the dominant one. I would just like to think that males can be submissive if they want to. Women can be dominant if they want to as well.

BDSM is never abusive. Because of negotiated agreements and safewords, no matter how it looks, BDSM is always friendly, affectionate, and for many players, deeply nurturing. During the early courtship, the Dominant will try and build the submissive’s confidence. As a submissive myself, this is crucial to helping me feel comfortable enough to test my limits. The Dominant can do things like ask for pictures in various stages of dress; starting from fully clothed and then gradually less. Reminding them that they are a beautiful, precious treasure to them. They can reassure them that they aren’t leaving. They will remind the submissive that they are safe and they cared for. Monieau’s path which lead to her foray into the world of BDSM is an unusual one, as she grew up in the Mormon community, whom stress their strict law of chastity – consisting of abstaining from sex outside of marriage, and shunning inter-marital affairs or homosexual relationships. Anything later than a day often misses the goal of teaching the sub so they learn to never do it again. Subs need to also see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them. If a Dom ignores bad behavior or puts off (or neglects) submissive punishments, the sub can feel insignificant or unimportant. A ritual is a powerful thing – it’s part of the magic of high protocol. Repeating a protocol leads to habit formation. Notably, this includes emotional habits – you know how you feel every time you watch that one film that makes you cry? Or a song? Somewhere in your head, the emotional state and cue are connected.Punishment is a great tool, but as most great tools, it can do a lot of damage in the wrong hands. If you’re in a dynamic with any of the above, you should, at the very least, take a good, long look at your relationship and strongly consider whether it might be abusive. Many people believe female submissives are brain-washed and unintelligent or just following the social normative ideas around men and women,’ Monieau explains on Metro.co.uk’s no-holds-barred sex podcast, Smut Drop. ‘But that is such a broad generalisation. There are plenty of confident, competent submissives who work in numerous high-powered, demanding roles, who just want to be submissive in the bedroom.’ For now, Daniel is going to keep exploring his kink in a safe environment, meeting up with women who are more than willing to dominate him – and hopes that eventually, society will be more accepting of men who wish to explore a submissive kink. Be careful about fake Doms. Some Doms aren’t in it for the power play, just the power. This need for power and control can become abuse in all forms. There is a difference. Punishments are necessary to ensure that rules are followed, and boundaries respected. The Dominant shouldn’t take pleasure in punishments when it is for legitimate rule breaking. Funishment (bratty behavior or rule breaking during play) is very different. If you feel that you are being abused, you should try and get out of the relationship. Let me take a bit of a tangent for a moment to explain why. Today, while I was driving around running errands, the DJ on the radio was talking about relationships. He noted that 71% of people polled for a particular study said that they wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone unless they felt it was “egalitarian,” and that 29% didn’t mind following someone else’s lead. Of course, I have no idea what study this was, nor do I give it any real credence. But I do feel that the vast majority of Westerner’s feel relationships should be equal and would not understand the power dynamic of a D/s relationship or why any submissive would want it. And punishment? Well that’s just abuse, right?

Im looking in advice on what rules, punishments that are given out from breaking a rule/rules and for rewards when rules are respected and when my sub is acting good.To reassert the dynamic: protocol exists to connect both parties to the dynamic and space. When rules are not followed, it can be hurtful to both sides – the dom can feel they are not being ‘respected’ in a manner of speaking, and sub that the dominant doesn’t care enough to pay attention to the rules and their behaviour. Punishment is a way of asserting that the dynamic does in fact matter for both sides. Disclaimer: punish safely Many times, a Dominant will use small tasks to test a submissive’s willingness and ability to obey. When the Dominant sees how the submissive responds to these tasks, they have a better idea of whether they want to continue the relationship and/or how much training the submissive will require. As a submissive, the why for a rule being in place or why I am being given some, what I think is, a random task is very important to me. I happily comply with small, seemingly insignificant tasks. The Dominant should explain why menial tasks are assigned or why they are required. When the submissive understands the purpose, they will be happier to comply. Things they find pleasurable- The Dominant should find out things that submissive would like to try or things that she really likes and give her more of that as a reward Maybe it’s something as easy as allowing her to masturbate while taking a hot bath or as elaborate as a spa day being pampered. Be creative with this one. I will cover punishment in a longer post, but as an obligatory disclaimer – any emotional issues on either side should ideally be resolved first, before you get to the punishment stage. It is usually not advisable to risk either the dominant taking their emotions out on the submissive, or the submissive coming to view punishment as the way in which they ‘fix’ emotional issues. ‘I’ve upset you so hurt me’ might be an appealing sentiment to many masochists, but chances are, it won’t resolve substantive problems in the long term.

Do excuse the length, but I wanted to be as thorough as possible. I have done my best to make it navigable – you will find an index below and the guide is split up into six sections. My three-in-one day of punishment started with a caning in the morning followed by two minutes of corner time so that I could think about my behaviour. This was followed by a taste of the tawse a few hours later and then, just before bedtime the paddle was used to end the day.Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to meditate on what they did, but in general, sub punishments should happen by the end of the day. If it’s a long distance D/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, read The 7 Rules for a Long-Distance Dom/sub Relationship and keep in mind the timing when administering discipline. Asides from being complex, punishment is also an oft fetishised part of D/s. Which is why first things first, I would like to untangle punishment – the real deal – from ‘funishment’ – the narrative of punishment being employed for mutual fun and giggles. Funishment As a form of behaviour modification: rules in a D/s dynamic exist for a reason – to outline the expected standard of behaviour. Punishment can serve as a consequence for undesirable behaviour, assisting in modifying it. Fun punishments i.e. funishments make up most, if not all, of what you will find depicted in porn. So, if you’re reading this without any experience, whatever you’re thinking of, ‘real’ punishment probably doesn’t look like that. As I grew older, I came to terms with conventional ideas of male and female roles. I became a full-on feminist. It’s like I did a 180, which ended up being a 360.