Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person (Essay Books): A Pessimist's Guide to Marriage, Offering Insight, Practical Advice, and Consolation.

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Some time laters, came the Marriage of Instinct, the romantic marriage. If one feels that they are ‘in love’, that fact alone is enough. The love should be the only guide to action. For example, if you’ve been hurt in the past by an ex, then it might be hard for you to open up to someone new who might end up hurting you too. Yet the good news is that “it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person.” We don’t need to abandon our spouse, just the stupid idea of Romantic love—that some perfect person exists who will satisfy all our needs. Instead, mature people recognize: I knew the process was probably going to hurt because I desired to change several of my well-worn habits. And, as strange as it sounds, I needed to refocus because, in a feeble effort to comfort myself with something familiar, I was subconsciously recreating some of the dysfunction I grew up with.

Candidly, I knew my flaws were there, but I didn’t know exactly what to do about them. So I worked especially hard to cover up my imperfections. Amazingly, it didn’t take long for Greg to begin to “help me” display these issues in our relationship. Of course, I had the same effect on him — he had issues, too. We all do. Working with the truth There wasn’t a single moment where I was emotionally secure but there were many moments where I felt deeply lonely. that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us—and we will (without any malice) do the same to them. There can be no end to our sense of emptiness and incompleteness. But none of this is unusual or grounds for divorce. Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for. In a wiser society, prospective partners would put each other through detailed psychological questionnaires and send themselves off to be assessed at length by teams of psychologists. By 2100, this will no longer sound like a joke. The mystery will be why it took humanity so long to get to this point. In almost every culture, getting married is a sign of social achievement. Never mind that your spouse might be abusive, or that you might go through a nasty divorce lose all your assets, or that your children might grow up in a broken home. At least, someone wanted to marry you in the first place.What could we be searching in love? Happiness seems to be the answer. But it’s not that simple. It was as children that we first came to know and understand what love meant.

But statistically, marrying too early and marrying based on romantic feelings provide some of the worst outcomes for marriage. Instead of using our feelings as our only guide, we should be using divorce statistics to help us understand the most common reason marriages fail and then actively take steps to prevent it. And yet today, years later, each and every moment spent with him is pure bliss. I have never felt so truly seen and adored for who I am. Our days are filled with surprising playfulness. Though we were on vastly different trajectories in life when we met, we somehow seemed to have co-created a perfectly aligned reality today. While for some people it might be easier to internalize the 'content' in a written form, I thing that the lecture itself contains the "core" of the topic and the book is just a nice addition. We are collectively a great deal more interested in a beautiful wedding than a tolerable marriage. 3. We Aren’t Used to Being Happy Short analysis of the reasons and possible solutions around the selection of a life partner which ultimately, quite often, was not really made with the long-lasting marriage in mind.Kenapa? Modal kisah cinta romantis, kita jadi berharap punya pacar yang "sama-sama suka baca kayak pacarnya kak Hestia 🥺" Tapi, sudahkah kita work ourselves to be that kind of partner? Kok enak banget pengin punya pasangan kriteria A tapi kita nggak usaha buat jadi kriteria A juga? My point is this — by making an effort to be happy when we are alone, we will enjoy more when we are with someone.

Poin paling menarik buatku adalah, buku ini mengatakan bahwa kita kadang menyukai sosok yang seperti orangtua kita. Karena kita biasa diperlakukan baik dan penuh cinta (terutama anak perempuan oleh ayah-ayah mereka, nih. Aku tertusuk soal ini hahaha), jadi kita berharap mendapatkan pasangan yang seperti orangtua kita juga. Padahal orangtua sebenarnya bisa seperti itu karena mereka memposisikan cintanya seperti cinta orangtua kepada anak, bukan dari pasangan ke pasangannya. Dua hal ini jelas berbeda, makanya kita hampir tak pernah bisa sepenuhnya 'menemukan orangtua kita' di dalam diri pasangan. Realitanya, banyak yang berharap demikian. Aku pun. The School of Life juga menambahkan, kita sebenarnya baru siap menikah ketika kita siap memposisikan diri kita sendiri sebagai orangtua. If you feel that you’re ready for a new relationship, don’t be afraid of what it will bring, just be careful. Romantic competence is not an anti-love perspective. Rather, it is a shift from using romantic love as the sole indicator of who is right for you to using skills to help you select who is right for you. A really important thing to know about relationships is that if you don’t want to be on your own forever, then you shouldn’t start a relationship hastily.This is the full transcript of British-Swiss philosopher Alain de Botton’s talk titled “ Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.” In addition, it is important to work through all the things from your marriage that hurt you so you don’t become bitter and unhappy. We all need people, but if you’ve never learned how to love yourself, then take some time to do so and then learn how to find that person that complements what makes you happy.

As adults, we may then reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways. Before we get married, we are likely to have had many years of turbulence in our love lives. We have tried to get together with people who didn’t like us, we’ve started and broken up unions, we’ve gone out for endless parties, in the hope of meeting someone, and known excitement and bitter disappointments. We need to learn how to communicate in a peaceful space where both sides can communicate their feelings and needs without blame or guilt. 8) You’ll learn to make a balance When are we ready for marriage? 1.) When we are ready to give up perfection 2.) When we despair of being understood 3.) When we realize we are crazy (If we are not regularly and very deeply embarrassed by who we are, it an be only be because we haven't begun to understand our own narrative". 4.) We are ready to love rather than be loved 5.) When we are ready for administration (I accept the dignity of the ironing board) 6.) When we understand that sex and love do and don't belong together 7.) When we are happy to be taught and calm about teaching 8.) When we realize that we are not that compatible (compatibility is an achievement of love, it shouldn't be its precondition) We don’t see this as a picture of someone who has no nostrils, eight strands of hair and no eyelashes. Without even noticing that we are doing it, we fill in the missing parts. Our brains are primed to take tiny visual hints and construct entire figures from them – and we do the same when it comes to the character of our prospective spouse. We are – much more than we give ourselves credit for, and to our great cost – inveterate artists of elaboration.This is a pretty normal stage of relationship development — as we become more comfortable with each other, we start to make more mistakes, and things that are normally fine become serious problems. 6) You’ll learn to forgive The Impressionist painters of the nineteenth century had an implicit philosophy of transience that points us in a wiser direction. They accepted the transience of happiness as an inherent feature of existence and could in turn help us to grow more at peace with it. Sisley’s painting of a winter scene in France focuses on a set of attractive but utterly fugitive things. Towards dusk, the sun nearly breaks through the landscape. For a little time, the glow of the sky makes the bare branches less severe. The snow and the grey walls have a quiet harmony; the cold seems manageable, almost exciting. In a few minutes, night will close in. If you find yourself complaining about a lot of things in your relationship, then it’s time to make an effort to find out what it is that makes you happy and why your marriage isn’t working out. If there is anyone else out there who complements what you’re looking for in a partner, then it’s good to look for them.